Take my advice...

After taking some quizzes in a book my friend, Anna, brought me, I learned that one of my spiritual gifts is wisdom--No jokes, please!

Maybe there’s something to that.
I have noticed that, for some reason, I seem to be someone people go to for advice. I guess I have my act together a little, but I’m actually a bit of a mess, so while this is very flattering, it’s also a little baffling… I guess it all depends on what kind of advice you’re seeking. For example, I would suggest you never, ever come to me seeking direction on how to create a monthly budget, start up your 401(k), or pretty much anything that requires even minimal knowledge of legal speak or basic 4th grade mathematics… Beyond that, I’m full of sage advice (that even I don’t always follow).

I try to look at whatever situation I’m in with objectivity and basically turn myself into an impartial third party to see what kind of wisdom I can shed on a subject…
The following are actual questions from blog readers/friends/people I pestered to participate. Here goes:

Dear Carrie,
I have a coworker (an acquaintance, really--not a close friend or anything) who insists on pulling me into her drama. What should I do?
I’m so glad you asked that question! I, too, want no part of the drama of others. It’s not because I don’t care (though that may be the case at times), it’s because my brain shuts down when craziness presents itself… For example, an ex of someone I don’t even date decided to get in touch with me recently to stir up trouble. I don’t DO that. For one thing, I’m allergic to stress (seriously, I get hives); for another, this situation has nothing to do with me. I refuse to let my stomach hurt over problems that don’t affect me whatsoever…
As for what you should do, tell her your sob story one day—but not your real troubles; make up a real doozy! That way you can break into fake tears anytime she tries to drag you into her mess—tell her “it’s just. too. (sniff). painful. (sob)….”

Dear Carrie,
I am sick and tired of people sending me forwarded hate emails about Barack Obama being a Muslim who is also the anti-Christ, what should I tell them without hurting their feelings?
Hmmm, I suppose arguing the whole separation of church and state thing would be lost on die-hards.…Perhaps you should photoshop a picture of yourself in a group hug with all of the presidential nominees—that way no one would want to risk saying anything bad about a friend of yours.
And I’m with you—I don’t care about the religion of my President as long as I can fill up my car and can get affordable healthcare.

Dear Carrie,
Are all girls psycho?*
It seems that for every cool girl I meet, there are 5 crazies to screw up the average…they are kind of like grey hairs; pluck out one and 5 spring up in that place. I do have some wonderful girlfriends who are lowmaintenance, supportive, and beautiful people…the others are being phased out.

*How about guys?
Yep. ;)

Dear Carrie,
Why can't I convince everyone of my innate awesomeness? They think I'm a conceited tool, but their just jealous.
That is a tough one—I’ve been plagued with that one myself. However, it vexes me to inform you that, in the words of my sister, Betsy, “only turds use bad grammar.” (Fact.) Your use of “their” negates any awesomeness, but look on the bright side: problem solved! :)

Dear Carrie,
Do I tell my best friend that her husband keeps exposing himself to me or will that hurt our friendship?
Hahahahaha…and ew. You may want to keep that one under wraps. Coincidentally, that’s the same advice you should tell your friend’s husband.

Dear Carrie,
Ok will I find my true love and spend the rest of my life with them?
Um, I think you may have mistaken my spiritual gift—I’m blessed with wisdom, not psychic abilities…

Madam Carrie,
Is my husband cheating on me?
Wow—“Madam Carrie”…I like that. And I won’t even humiliate you for using that, but to answer your question…my Magic 8 ball says “most likely”…

Dear Carrie,
I’ve been sleeping with my ex who has also been with another old girlfriend (and who knows who else). I’m worried about my health and don’t think he should be sleeping with both of us, but he lies and says he’s not. What should I do?
This is the easiest one I’ve read all day: stop being an idiot.

Dear Carrie,
Should I be concerned with my addiction to Vicks VapoRub?
I don’t think anyone is going to puzzled as to who asked THIS question…I’ve gone my entire life without having to use VapoRub, except for that stick of Vicks that you inhale—my Mamaw Janice had one that all us grandkids would stick up our noses (wow, not a cute story after all), so I don’t understand this particular vice of yours. Then again, I don’t have an addictive personality, so I’m not sure what that must feel like… but, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll get you an extra jar when I go later to stockpile some peeps.

Dear Carrie,
How do you forget a smile of a girl who doesn't want to have much to do with you but that has been etched into your brain? I could’ve asked "where do broken hearts go?" but I think some washed up cracked out female R&B singer beat me to that one.
This is a tough one, because I have no problem forgetting things—remembering is where I have trouble…the best advice I have for this one come from comforting words that used to be stitched on a pillow at my grandmother’s house, “The best way to get over one man is to get under another one.”
Get out and find something fun to do to distract yourself until you feel happier…and don’t forget those smiles—they are usually few and far between…

Dear Carrie,
I’m faced with a situation where 2 girls want to date me; both are wonderful people and I don't want to lose the friendship of either. For purposes of this we will call one of them J. J is a wonderful person and a good friend but very vulnerable and perplexing because I don't have a reciprocal interest in dating, although I absolutely do not want to lose a good friend…
Well, it’s interesting you made no mention of the other girl, but I know what you mean—it’s hard when you aren’t on the same page with someone you value very much…the only thing that has worked for me without fail in the past is to assume a new identity and make all new friends that you don’t care for all that much…Perhaps I’ve said too much already…
In this situation, I’ll go with “honesty is the best policy” (a phrase I coined, by the way). And just so we’re clear, when I say “honesty”, I mean for you to sugar-coat whatever will get you out of the situation without looking like a complete asshole.
Good luck!

Dear Carrie,
Does my outfit make me look fat?
Never ask that question—why? Because no one cares if YOU look fat; they only care if THEY look fat. What you should be asking instead is “would another choice flatter me more?” If yes, change into something else. If you don’t feel good, you aren’t going to look good. (And yes, I stole that from a Tony Joe White song…he probably had the gift of wisdom, too. He did write “Poke Salad Annie” after all.)

Dear Carrie,
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
That’s because they aren’t self-aware enough to know that they’re ignorant.

Wow—that was fun. I had no idea the wisdom would just flow forth like that…keep those questions coming. (And feel free to send me a few bucks for being so helpful.) ;)